Entries in It was bound to happen eventually. (2)

Saturday
Aug042012

keep on keeping on

About a month has rolled by since I got up the steam to write a post. To be fair I do have a couple drafts written, for a rainy day I suppose. Just haven't had the energy or the time really to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.  

It's been a hard month generally.  Althought there have been bright moments, like having my mom visit me for a whole week. But really, this month has been draining mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I've spent a lot of time wondering about being an adult. I understand it's not all grand times and happy occassions, that often life is peppered with sad and disappointing events as well.  Just ask any member of my family, god only knows the hell or so that we've had to endure.  I guess, I just thought, at least up until now, that the hard stuff got dished out a little at a time rather than a consistent stream of bad news.  

Perhaps I'll choose the bright side today and say that this just means I'm good for like 10 years before anything else bad swings my way.  Tomorrow however, I'll probably reconsider this and brace myself again against my reality. I'm 28 and a shelf in my kitchen cabinet is full of medical supplies. I have my own sharps container and am a member of the Rite Aid Diabetes Care program. 

My optimisim has certainly gone in waves since diagnosis, like anyone else I imagine, so don't freak out that this is a bit of bummer of a blog post. Just trying to get my thoughts sorted and hopefully get out of this funk of not writing as I do think it's beneficial to air my grievences, as it were.  

On the upside, I've decided to attack all other ailments/issues etc. I have medically as I think diabetes is quite enough for me to deal with.  As such, I'm getting a refreshed allergy test next Thursday so I can begin allergy shots, my asthma is basically just a winter/cold-weather issue, and I'm going to more seriously look into Lasik. What I save in allergy meds and contacts/glasses is probably minimal in the scheme of things but it will be nice to cross a few worries and expenses off the list. 

Thursday
Jun072012

The straw and the camel are not pleased with one another.

AKA - today I freaked out. 

It all started with my second and last appointment (as far as I'm concerned) with the LCSW I was asked to see to check on my sanity.  Nathan came with me as he's been making a point to get to know my care team and we all agreed it would be good to talk about 'feelings' together.  

So to be fair. I do think the first visit with the LCSW was a good thing. It was helpful to talk to someone other than family and for all the information she gave that I took with a grain of salt, she did have some surprisingly astute insights on things I didn't think she had even caught.  The second visit though... well I think it's fair to say, she went off the rails.  

Started off reasonably enough, then, instead of asking Nate to retire to the waiting room or something of that nature she instead began reciting medical advice and information to us about diabetes. Most of it was already known, but the point, most importantly, is that she shouldn't have said any of it in the first place. And she went on and on and ultimately I was feeling really uncomfortable. This isn't even noting the fact that she was making references to her own medical conditions. I think it's fair to say she was 'projecting' to use some nice and applicable clinical speak. Particularly as she went off for some time about diabetic footcare and the horrible consequences of not taking care of one's feet. Also a lot of stuff that my dietitian and endo hadn't felt the need to cover which made me skeptical and scared all at once. To some extent it felt like she was trying to give me problems to have. She kept saying stuff about how 'in the future, you might feel like [INSERT UNCOMFORTABLE, SCARY, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN EVENTUALITY UNLESS OF COURSE I TOTALLY DECIDE TO THROW THIS WHOLE MANAGEMENT THING OUT THE WINDOW]." 

In some ways, I'm glad Nathan was there as he can vouch for the above and probably add some thoughts of his own on the whole thing.  After he and I debriefed about the session, I decided to cancel my upcoming appointment with her as it would undoubtedly do more harm than good.  

Unfortunately she planted the seed. Post camping hike, I came home with some bug bites and a couple of blisters. It was a very long hike after all. Nothing is scary about them, standard water blisters. Since I know quite of bit of my friends/family are in the medical field, let me note that I'm keeping them clean, and am under orders to report if anything looks red, irritated or abnormal. They mostly had reabsorbed when I decided to go with a friend and Nate on a 4 mile run. They still looked fine post run but I did reach out to my endo and RD/CDE to just check in and let them know about them and see if they had any special instruction. They did not, just told me to keep my blood sugars in check and watch 'em heal. 

All sounds good.  But then I notice that I can't seem to get my feet warm, foot actually, my right foot. This is Wednesday and I'm wearing sandals at work and have a small space heater, so I tried that for a while, no luck. Plus I feel a little off, maybe I'm getting sick I think. I left early and totally crashed when I got home, but alas, two hours later I woke up and that one foot, still cold. Nathan, being the adorable man he is, filled a bucket with warm water for me to soak my foot, then after a quick massage, wrapped them up in wool camping socks and my moccasins.  Still the sensation of cold persisted.  

By now I had consulted the internet.  Not a wise move I acknowledge. I convinced myself that I'm having circulation problems and am terrified about my feet. I think I would have been concerned with these symptoms regardless of this disease, however, as a result of the LCSW's diatribe, I started to really get worried. This morning, Thursday, I made an appointment to see my endo for peace of mind more than anything.  I was pretty sure that everything was in my head, a little bit of hypochondria undoubtedly, but just the same, I was scared and I'm pretty sure the anxiety wasn't helping my blood sugars. 

I spilled my guts to my endo. That the LCSW had really freaked me out and that it was probably all in my head, told her that I was scared. I didn't/don't want to loose my feet. She was wonderful. She thanked me for saying something, that she was going to talk to the LCSW, that it wasn't appropriate and it wasn't accurate.  I had just been diagnosed and foot complications like that don't just come on. It's more often in Type 2s and then those that have extenuating circumstances such as high blood pressure and cholesterol that are then compounded by the diabetes.  She tested my circulation, checking my pulse and the response time for blood flow in my toes. The temperature didn't feel any different between my two feet. Everything is great. Beyond that she got to see my most recent set of numbers, my average is 122 for the past 5 weeks - WOOT!  

So ultimately a bit of a crazy high stress morning and, most importantly, I learned a lesson. Keep some Xanax in your purse.